Thursday, October 25, 2007

A model life.

My foray into the high-stakes world of modeling began at five years of age. My parents signed me up with the local agency. I’d like to think that I learned something other than how to pose but, according to my recollect, being a total poser is the only skill that has carried over into my adult life.

Childhood modeling lasted only for a few years before I had to give up my career for Grade 3. They couldn’t hold me back for long. Twenty three years later, I returned. How did this occur? I’m still trying to figure that out. I do recall attending a casting call in the spring. However, when I got a call back this summer for a photo shoot, it was difficult to put two and two together. 

Perhaps I can explain it like this. It was like getting asked out by that guy that’s too hot to be true. You’re really excited, flattered, and can’t believe its really happening. That’s when panic sets in. When is he going to figure out that, well, he’s way hotter than you, and he could do so much better? You hope that day never comes, but you’re certain it will. Plus, you hate the thought of being one of those un-matching couples. You know, where one is clearly way out of the other’s league and everyone secretly wonders how the heck that happened?

Even though I got the call back that was too good to be true, even though I was excited, flattered, and could not believe it was really happening, panic set in. When were they going to figure out that they could do so much better? Seriously, if I was hiring for a shoot, I wouldn’t hire myself. Not to say that I don’t find myself attractive. (On the contrary, I’m really rather vain.) It’s just that some people have features that don’t transfer well into 2D. I’m one of those people. That’s ok. This fact is balanced by the fact that some people who photograph really well don’t have features that transfer well into 3D (aka real life). I like to believe that I’m attractive in person and...interesting on film. Interesting being a euphemism for not so attractive. And yet I was getting paid to be transferred into 2D. Hence, the panic.

So, now what? I’m not asking for sympathy. I know I was paid to get taken photos of. Shut up and stop my whining already. The fact is, this experience is less about my insecurities regarding modeling, and more about my insecurities in general. I presume I’m a product of my adolescence. After I quit modeling the first time, I entered into a long and painful period of...interesting. Perhaps a part of my mentality has never quite recovered. I suppose we all have moments of an un-matching couple within ourselves. Sometimes you feel like the hot and sometimes you feel like the not. Maybe this is simply a way to put two and two together and realize that you are resplendent, flaws and all, and that’s what makes you beautiful. 

2 comments:

Jamie said...

Good post - I don't think you could ever just be "interesting". Maybe you should try fascinating! :)

Amykins Angel said...

I don't know why...

But this touched me.
Maybe it was perhaps I understand and feel/felt the same way. I honestly believe it was because I went through an "ugly duckling phase"

An "interesting" phase I guess.
Does one truly get past that?

Childhood insecurities seem to never go away. Or do they?

I am amazed you were afraid to model. I have always thought you to be this AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS person!!! And I still think that.
You look incredible in person, and faaaaabulous in 2D.

If someone as gorgeous as you could have insecurities...
Then maybe... maybe...

I'm not so un-attractive after all...