Sunday, February 22, 2015

Lone Wolf

My next step is to accept I am a lone wolf. Alone wolf. Although I know I'm strong & can capably make my own way, it fills me with an empty sadness. I'm all I've got. No one is guaranteed to me. I have no secure commitments. I'm free to falter and free to love & be loved, but no one owes me anything. I am untamed. I belong to no one; this is my freedom and my trap. 

What of the nights when my only companion is my untamed mind? In my state of melancholy I feel alone, even though I'm not. I want to belong, I want someone to come home to, but the only place left is myself. This is not a comfort. Sometimes I'm not the best company to be alone with. There are no guarantees in life, but the parameters of being in a primary relationship give me comforting structure, even if it's false security. 

Reluctantly I'll agree this next thing is the best for me. 

I love fiercely. It’s my natural inclination. I'm wild about those I hold dear, historically to my detriment. When I give my very all to assuage someone else's unhappiness there is nothing left of me. It's a caged domesticity that drains my ferocious desire to devour all life has to offer. Experience has shown me I need to be just as passionate about myself. Selvage the savage. Autonomy is the key to security. Set me free to feel safe. If I can be my own home, I'll never fear solitude. I am a lone wolf, not alone. 

Outside In

I stood alone in your living room the last day I saw you. It's your space, but I feel comfortable in your home because you've welcomed me into your life. I'm still standing on the edge, looking in, but I love everything I see.