tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-166550172024-03-13T23:47:01.570-06:00Dark HeartsShort story poetry.
I write to release & contain the constant overflow of words in my mind.
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-73613747558692460362015-09-15T12:11:00.001-06:002015-09-15T12:11:38.004-06:00Rise & Fall<span style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I sat across from you on this bench a year ago, minus six days. My body could not contain the full system enthralment I experienced in your presence. I was literally vibrating from endorphin overload & could not refrain from grinning like an idiot. What has become of me since then is all that I am. </span><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Within the small space between us there was a glimpse of who I could become through you. Disarmed by your charm, my mind was freed to expand fully, gather strength of character. This setting allowed me to make confidence gains which before you I never thought I'd attain. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I trembled in your presence, quivering with awe & lust. Carefully, I placed you on a pedestal—all the better to marvel at your wonder. I saw you from a distance, forced perspective made you all-encompassing. From my viewpoint you were everything. I easily slipped into my usual role of giving myself away entirely. <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It was hard to keep looking up to you, far easier to bow before you. </span>Thankfully, my servitude did not serve you. You saw my hidden strength & patiently convinced me of my own empowerment. You dropped from elevated grace the day I felt my power rise. It gave me the insight to see you were only human too. It's true you are resplendent<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">, rich in intelligence, majestic, just as am I.</span> Your embrace raised me to my rightful place by your side. You fell for me & it made us equals. </div>JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-17795240966276890802015-08-09T20:28:00.001-06:002015-08-09T20:28:34.822-06:00A Word With YouLet me have a word with you. A gathering of letters formed together imbued with meaning reflective of our being. It can be our song title. I've been in tune with you since the start. You warned me of your worst ways while I let them fall sideways knowing the worst you could inflict on me was better than previous lovers’ regular behaviour. I presented you with the tones of my tears, each saline slide a note playing my heart across my face. You learned not all my songs are sad. You saw the symphony in my eyes. I felt the rising crescendo of your love and a new tune slipped from my vision. You never ask me to compose myself; we write this song together. JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-61450155678139206892015-08-05T23:38:00.001-06:002015-08-05T23:38:18.843-06:00Speechless<div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392);">I can still feel your hand gripping the back of my neck, pulling me in tight enough to let your teeth make your point. Your voracious mouth could consume me, entirely. Without words, let your mouth speak your mind when next we meet. I hear you clearly when you silently say the ways you want me. </div>JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-86900731142603500462015-08-05T21:27:00.001-06:002015-08-05T21:27:05.081-06:00Beginning to End<span style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Fifteen years ago on a day like this, sunny & crisp, we ran into each other at the hospital doors. You, exiting. Me, entering. All that has changed since then is only everything. A specific reminiscence is a glimpse into the future. I recall my thoughts, my being of that time. Now I have the power to live that moment knowing what the future holds. We never saw it coming, these people we now are. I could not have even conceived it, and I'm sure neither could you. We're both living the starts of our second lives. They feel like the first; the past was a false reality. How fantastic to be truly awake, no longer sleepwalking through life. Autonomy is precious. </span><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Wouldn’t you agree that all the loss of a so called solid foundation of truth is worth the complete unknown & nothing we've inherited in our awakening? I cherish the infinite certainty of not knowing the answer to life—the vastness & the nothingness of being, the finite ending of existence. It's such a relief. </div>JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-90820914139843367782015-08-05T21:15:00.001-06:002015-08-05T21:15:23.931-06:00Shadowing<span style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Nocturnal warmth brings forth my feline sensibility & my senses prowl free. </span><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Heaven sent, the heady scent of May trees make a believer out of me.</div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Ebony serenity, pray to prey I wander the way the day kisses night. </span></div>JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-18555010872403410312015-03-07T08:32:00.001-07:002015-03-07T08:32:23.747-07:00IRLYou appeared in real life quite suddenly & very unexpected. Terrified I was not ready for you, for me, for us, I could hardly stand to look you in the eyes, yet could not stop. I gazed your face, seeking recognition, a reason for the feeling that you could be my future if we could only get past all this present without being utterly consumed by the overwhelming, all encompassing igniting of our minds and bodies. We stared into one another, at once enamoured & humoured by the thrilling ridiculousness of this, our first moment together. I could have easily kissed you. Instead we settled for a hug that unsettled us both. Our bodies said hello and goodbye as we each held tight, and then tighter still. Your strong arms made me rise, and I fell for you. I could barely bear to let you go. My arms longed to linger an hour longer. That was simple folly. An hour spent encompassed in your embrace would not have been nearly enough. I could have lived a lifetime in that doorway, drowning in bliss while you held me up.JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-61566175854455009192015-02-22T01:13:00.001-07:002015-02-22T01:13:59.777-07:00Lone Wolf<div>My next step is to accept I am a lone wolf. Alone wolf. Although I know I'm strong & can capably make my own way, it fills me with an empty sadness. I'm all I've got. No one is guaranteed to me. I have no secure commitments. I'm free to falter and free to love & be loved, but no one owes me anything. I am untamed. I belong to no one; this is my freedom and my trap. </div><div><br></div><div>What of the nights when my only companion is my untamed mind? In my state of melancholy I feel alone, even though I'm not. I want to belong, I want someone to come home to, but the only place left is myself. This is not a comfort. Sometimes I'm not the best company to be alone with. There are no guarantees in life, but the parameters of being in a primary relationship give me comforting structure, even if it's false security. </div><div><br></div><div>Reluctantly I'll agree this next thing is the best for me. </div><div><br></div><div>I love fiercely. It’s my natural inclination. I'm wild about those I hold dear, historically to my detriment. When I give my very all to assuage someone else's unhappiness there is nothing left of me. It's a caged domesticity that drains my ferocious desire to devour all life has to offer. Experience has shown me I need to be just as passionate about myself. Selvage the savage. Autonomy is the key to security. Set me free to feel safe. If I can be my own home, I'll never fear solitude. I am a lone wolf, not alone. </div>JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-47410393120143731142015-02-22T00:41:00.001-07:002015-02-22T00:41:14.526-07:00Outside In<div>I<span style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"> stood alone in your living room the last day I saw you. It's your space, but I feel comfortable in your home because you've welcomed me into your life. I'm still standing on the edge, looking in, but I love everything I see. </span></div>JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-26292114560467564652015-01-27T21:08:00.001-07:002015-01-27T23:04:22.144-07:00The Unaccomplished Woman<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Do nothing.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Not only nothing, but be unproductive. Even that is too much. Abandon guilt & revel in the now. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Don't follow a perceived suggestion based on outside impact. Do your own thing, which is no thing. No time to please. Please yourself. Be yourself. Free yourself from spectral speakers crying disproval in your mind. Ignore them. Carry on with tenacious listlessness & list-less-ness. There is no to-do today. Be peacefully reposed in unemployment. Nada, zip, zilch—these are my purpose-free trilogy. Dear Self, please accept this afternoon nap as demonstration of my veneration. </span></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-21340311070769851652015-01-22T21:52:00.001-07:002015-01-27T22:48:28.565-07:00Stay<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I said it the wrong way yesterday. All is impermanent, I said. What a simple platitude. It was a wall, a fence to guard my heart. My feelings are far more nuanced. I cannot possess you, neither can you do likewise to me. Of course, no one knows what the future holds. Life decisions are weighted in the certainty of the unknown-but-hoped-for. I feel balanced by your presence in my life. I would not give up the pleasure of your fucking lovely, ridiculous, handsome company without severe reason. I like you. I lust you. I love you. I'm here, with every reason to stay. </span>JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-77188319040335361782014-12-28T21:40:00.003-07:002014-12-28T21:45:12.299-07:00You Can<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I don’t know if I can.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You can <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You will <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You must <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You do <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You have<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You should<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You care<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You choose <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You feel<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You try<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You win<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You lose<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You fail<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You fall<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You stop<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You sleep<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You climb<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You top<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">&<br>You repeat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><br />
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</style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <!--EndFragment-->JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-29865049661699269312014-12-28T20:58:00.002-07:002014-12-28T21:26:10.597-07:00Depression<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>Originally written May 2014</i></span><br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">How can I sustain both sides of our love? You feel nothing. I feel everything. I feel it all. How can we be together when you are nowhere? I've always fallen for you. I'm falling deep into the helpless dark. I jumped down, searching for you. I was planning to pull you up, but it's too sharp a climb. We both need both hands. I'm trying to talk you out of it; now realizing that you have to want to save yourself is heartbreaking. You haven't the strength to make your own way—how could you possibly support me as well? I need to be adored. I need to be loved entirely so I can be filled back up with all I give in kind. Instead, I'm slowly sinking and I don't know how to get us together.</span></span><br />
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="s1">
</span><br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I ought to stop trying to love you better. It's not the answer, despite my attempts. I have so little to give in proportion to what could possibly quench you. I am pouring myself into your scorched aridness. I'm gushing over you. My showers of affection fall on your parched landscape, drying so quickly I cannot tell if they sink in, or simply evaporate into nothingness. What does it matter? My love won’t save you. While you cannot feel a thing, I am drowning in your desert. </span></span></div>
</div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-10809686118504204802014-12-28T20:48:00.003-07:002014-12-28T21:31:44.365-07:00Power Outtage<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i>Originally written April 2014</i></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I’m reeling at my losses. They are what I’ve
known my entire life. They stand, point to point, marking each moment I’ve
become more alone. Oft times when I open up to someone they eventually close me
down. Now many of my closest friends are people I hardly know. One has to
start somewhere it seems. All the starting is disheartening when it will
only lead to ending again. I’m frayed and I’m wary. Still, I feel the
impulse to plug myself fully into loving others. Despite this, I can't
seem to muster the energy required to trust again. My bleeding heart has a
faded pulse. I am drained. Won’t someone please, please, please recharge
me? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-59453038946420514942014-06-23T16:51:00.001-06:002014-06-23T20:02:09.212-06:00Disconnect<div><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-tYcVHBux-80/U6jcHi80RII/AAAAAAAAAD8/fIa7iXoGppw/s640/blogger-image--1365523717.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-tYcVHBux-80/U6jcHi80RII/AAAAAAAAAD8/fIa7iXoGppw/s640/blogger-image--1365523717.jpg"></a></div><br></span></div><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The woman screaming at her six year old daughter at the thrift store today is absolutely breaking my heart. Oh, that young child, how she cries. I hear the tremor of shame and powerlessness in her sobs as her mother verbally berates her for being impolite. </span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Look down, here I go, I am the little girl. I'm so sad, I'm so bad, I'm unloved, unworthy, alone. Why does this always happen to me, why is mommy so mean? Why can't we be happy?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A flick of my eyes to the right, I zoom into the stressed-out mother. I'm so goddamn tired of taking care of this kid, she's being such a little brat and I'm not going to take it. Kids should be respectful, someone's got to teach them. Someone taught me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Eyes shift left, a tall salesclerk with a kind face and terror in her eyes, that's who I am. I tell the mother it's okay, her daughter is just a little child. I'm so upset, I see this all the time—these angry, cruel women who yell at their kids. Sometimes I just can't handle my job because of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I come back to myself to find my hand reaching out to pat the mother on the back. To what end? To distract, to console, to de-escalate her abuse towards her child. I tell her it's okay, she's just a little kid. She angrily tells me it’s not okay for kids to misbehave.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I want to reach out, I want to prostrate myself across her path and tell her to calm the fuck down. I want to hire a babysitter so she can get a break. I want to take her child away from her. I want to teach her how to be soft and kind; show her how to discipline without cruelty, and teach with love. I want to surround her in community so she doesn't have to go it alone, so she never reaches her breaking point and lashes out at the vulnerable child at her feet. I want to hug and hold her daughter, look deep into her lovely young eyes, and tell her that she's wonderful, tell her it's not okay for anyone to hurt her. I want to protect her from her mother, and I want to protect her mother from herself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">All I can do is nothing at all.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The mother storms off out of the store with her crying child in tow. My hand is at my heart. I try to hold it together but it's too late. Oh, my fragile heart, you're no good to anyone. My feelings won't change a thing. I'm helpless. It's hopeless. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The salesclerk and I make eye contact, lean into one another and hold hugging each other for a moment. We've bonded over our joint fears and hopes for a little girl who doesn't know how much we care. I hope she's okay. I hope she'll be okay. My tears fall, but they don't cleanse me. I have no relief, and I'll never know. I have no connection to her. I will always feel the acute disconnect of not being able to really help her. It's not enough, and there is no more. </span></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-39581627333024973882014-05-20T20:38:00.000-06:002014-05-20T22:14:18.392-06:00Coasting.<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I will not let my past dictate my
present. My losses do not define me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It's as though I've been burdened by a load of
bricks on my sternum, weighing down my chest. This is what it is to have a
heavy heart. Each burden has a name: sorrow, dejection, regret,
loneliness, and doubt. As I progress westward, they’re slowly being unloaded. Perhaps
by the time I make it to the coast the pressure will be off. I'd finally be
free to breathe again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Though I long for a hit of blissful happiness I
don't know how to safely feel it any more. The possibility of plunging into emotional
peaks and valleys, high-highs and low-lows, feels too great a risk. I've been
trying to flat line. I've weighted my wayward heart, trying to keep it in
place. I'm a bit terrified to relinquish my emotional compression. I ought to
know better. This heart is a wonderer and a wanderer. She's searching. She
needs to soar to better have a viewpoint of where to nest. Happiness is
uplifting. I can find my way with far more success when I’m up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The road sign says Hope is 25 kilometers away.
I can’t wait to find it. Nightfall’s shadow has gathered by the highway’s edge.
Everything will be a bit brighter when I get there. The exit sign is well lit,
pointing me to what I could use a good dose of. Instead I pass by—not stopping.
Or, is it Hope passing me by? I’m not sure I’ll ever find it again. I’m headed
for the edge of the country and don’t have time to linger. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I enter Vancouver by midnight. Is this the
darkest hour or the start of a new day? It’s hard to tell, driving in the dark,
when I feel like breaking down. I’m exhausted in every way. The travel almost done,
the rest is to come. Endings are really the start of the next story. I want to
believe this is where I once again begin.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Settling into my lodgings, I take in the past
few months’ disappointments. I’d like to sleep it all off. Can I dream away my
doubts? Slumber off my sorrows? It’s time to shut off the bedroom light, and
try to shut off my mind. My restless thoughts should just give it a rest
already. I want to be here, present. I’ve come so far. I’m miles away. It
takes me so much focus to fall asleep but I eventually get there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Morning arrives, filtering into my room with
tranquil, creamy light. I dress in like colours, to reflect my conscious
attempt at a sunny outlook. A day spent wandering aimlessly about, with no
agenda, is precisely what is needed. Walking along the seawall I can see how
far I’ve come. Moving forward means walking away. Holding on to the past will
only hold me back, so I let go. I feel my remaining heart-weights cast off. This
un-anchoring sets me free to coast along. I shall carry on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">With my recovered light-heartedness, I find space
to fill myself with improvement, and only optimism will do. Hope comes before
Vancouver. I thought I’d left it behind. It’s a delight to discover it has
accompanied me upon on my arrival—an unexpected, but much welcome, companion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-74217535070698176662014-04-28T13:54:00.000-06:002014-04-28T14:05:29.705-06:00Nothing matters most.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Life is so exquisitely meaningless, yet it means so much to
me. There are a thousand reasons why every instant has beauty and wonder. The
small curve of my young son’s cheek catches my breath with its form. I shaped
that face inside myself; now, he strides forward to face the world. I am in awe
of the miniscule beginnings that stretch larger, outward, into each of us and
beyond. He and I both come from the elements of stars, and will cycle back
again, in turn. The profundity of how absolutely connected everything is, on an
elemental scale, remains astonishing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">A cluster of cells—united in purpose—divide to multiply.
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you fauna? There are rules for your making. Why do you form thusly so? We
cannot say exactly why, only how. As such, then, how curious, and how marvelous;
how remarkable it all is! The lifespan of a person is usually within the
confines of only one century. This proves to be no more than a mere speck in
the ever-expanding continuum of time. The lifespan of an adult mayfly is
usually within the confines of only one day. It is a fully lived life, though
brief in comparison to our own human experience. This extraordinary brevity causes
me to pulse with gratitude for the chance to even exist. Look closer and you
will see lifetimes lived within a moment. Epic dramas of tiny proportions are
contained within a single dewdrop.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">There is nothing exceptionally exceptional about existence.
It occurs hourly, and is ended likewise. There is nothing special about being
alive, other than that it is happening to you. The conscious framework of your
own being is the only reason you have any meaning at all.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The meaning of life is what you make of it. My life means
nothing, but I shall make the most of it. Nothing matters, really. How, then,
do I find that all the nothingness matters most of all?</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-47182399793503447762014-04-24T14:08:00.000-06:002014-04-26T21:41:53.224-06:00Drifting<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My life ebbs and flows in every unexpected way. I used to believe
it was my duty to commandeer my own ship, and, thusly, always set a direct
course for my final destination. In recent years, I have found the journey to
be far more enjoyable taking a rafting approach. The learnings I’ve taken from
past experiences provide me with paddles to steer through dangerous or tricky
circumstances. Trusted, supportive
friends are the life preservers I use to keep myself afloat through times of
difficulty. Other than that, my only job is to let the current guide me through
these winding waters. I cannot see around the bend, but I will experience it
when I get there. I am part passenger, and part gentle navigator. Now that I no
longer need to constantly focus on what may be coming, I can finally appreciate
the scenery surrounding me. It’s nice to be here.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-83406245719946859412014-04-20T14:22:00.001-06:002014-04-24T14:35:58.495-06:00Bittersweet<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am willing, but not always able,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To be what I think it is to
be relatable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Everyone else seems to have read the manual<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">On how to accomplish life correctly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Most days I feel an awkward fulcrum</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The tipping point of
uncertainty, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Between confidence and people
pleasing,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Where I falter and withdraw. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's all the people and all the stories</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Of everything I am and never
will be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I feel the heavy weight of
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222;">I am a disappointment, and it
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<br />
<span style="background: white;">I know it's all just false idealism. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Why won't my feelings follow
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I don't know the banal
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222;">I am bittersweet.</span><span style="color: #222222;"><br />
<br />
<span style="background: white;">I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I'm wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I would willingly admit this
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If you tell me how to never
make <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 148.5pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A hurtful mistake again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-4022847773817607282014-03-13T20:15:00.000-06:002014-04-24T14:23:19.688-06:00The trick is to keep breathing.<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Everything is achingly beautiful. Have you ever surrendered
to overwhelming fear/loss/jealousy/anxiety and let it seep through you, soaking
you completely in your own grief? Don’t stop there; this is only the start. The
test is to feel everything, every single thing. Feel the streaming abysmal
dismay, the bitter terror of abandonment, the paralyzing clutch of profound
sorrow. When it rises over you, then crashes down, the trick is to keep
breathing. You have to fight for air, kicking and screaming your way to the
surface. Break through, breathe through, swim for shore. The waves will pass
over, and fall away. You’ll see. You felt their every pummel, thought you’d
drown in your own emotions. Now you understand they actually pushed you to your
destination. Dry land. Safety. The terrible, brutal beauty of it all.</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-12651613869908788222014-01-21T23:58:00.000-07:002014-04-24T14:23:28.726-06:00Breaking up with Barbie.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">At eight years old, I had an existential crisis regarding my
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the next year or two, I would lose all desire and interest to play with the
vapid plastic beauty, and, as such, felt a profound sense of loss at the
prospect. At the time, there was immense satisfaction found through investing
my time in making certain Barbie’s every outfit suited each imaginary occasion.
I mourned my impending decrease in pleasure, despite concurrently reasoning
that I would not feel sad when it actually happened. To be sure, I was aware
that people tend to stop playing with dolls when they no longer find it fun.
Still, my younger self felt a pang of sorrow for my hypothetical future loss.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">At thirty-four years old, I had an existential crisis
regarding my future breakup with my love. I was certain within the next year or
two, he would lose all desire and interest to be with me, and, perhaps, the
feeling would be mutual. As such, I felt a profound sense of loss at the
prospect. At the time, there was immense satisfaction found through investing
my time in the relationship. I mourned my impending decrease in pleasure,
despite concurrently reasoning that I would not feel sad when it actually
happened. To be sure, I was aware that people tend to break up when they no
longer want to be together. Still, my younger self felt a pang of sorrow for my
hypothetical future loss. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am here, physically, but my thoughts are usually far. My
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direct my future state. I experience emotions for what is yet to perhaps not
come. Joy or sorrow, contentment or loss – physically I experience a broad
range of feelings from imagined events, which may or may not occur. It’s so
much worse this way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It would be preferable to contain my emotional reactions to
actual occurrences. As a person of overwhelming sentimentalities, I feel it
all, and it’s exhausting. I need to break my forecasting habit. Letting go of
what’s to come will better serve me. Feeling only what’s real, that’s where to
focus. The future, uncertain, but I’m certain to be fine. I need to be - right here, right now.</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-19230249537449528802013-11-26T21:35:00.001-07:002014-04-24T14:23:38.372-06:00A different direction.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Hey, remember when you were my confidant? The relief of true
friendship we found in one another made me feel less broken. Suddenly, my track
record of short-lived friendships was rendered obsolete. We shared a real
connection, my dear. With love of our common god to base us, we carried forth
our conversations over impassioned environmental concerns, shared DIY tips,
staggered through the learning curves of cooking for our allergy-ridden
children, loved vintage thrifting, and tried to let go the burden placed on
each of our hearts for the peers who would not, or could not accept or understand
us. I found solace in you - a place that I felt real. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I remember the night, my former confidant, when I fearfully
confessed my doubts, and you were so worried about your spouse’s. I tried to
give you insight, and you tried to give me support, yet somewhere along the
discourse, we slightly missed our marks. Or maybe you dodged, not ready to take
in all that I was throwing at you? I can’t complain that you’ve ever judged me,
but I feel the weight of your loss of the former me. You swore we’d still be
friends, that it wouldn’t change anything. I didn’t believe you, and I didn’t
want to, because I desperately wanted you to see my new reality, and join me. I
wanted you to change, with me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It’s different now. You are still so lovely and kind, a truehearted
soul. But, I don’t believe in souls anymore, so where does that leave us? What
are we based on, now? You won’t follow my reasoning, and I won’t return to your
faith. We now walk along much different paths, and I can’t see many crossovers.
There is a quiet yearning, from each of us, to follow the other. I cannot, and
you will not. Shall we walk alongside one another, our ways slowly leading away
from each other? I take more comfort in that, then the sharp turn of simply
walking away. Let’s draw this out, for as long as we can, while we both
faintly, futilely hope for our roads to intersect once more.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-53459987870681892952013-11-02T15:08:00.000-06:002014-04-24T14:23:48.450-06:00How to be a person.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step one: Forget everything you think you know. Develop
strong critical thinking skills and rational thought.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step two: Change every single aspect of your life. Right now
– as in, this very instant. Repeat as necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step three: Submit to overwhelming anxiety as your life
choices affect those around you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step four: Increase your alcohol consumption and offset with
increased coffee intake. Balance in all things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step five: Fall madly in love, while doubting yourself
completely. Do it anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step six: Become financially independent. A good way to do
this is to get a job. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step seven: Be profoundly happy. It’s not selfish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step eight: Be incredibly lonely. It’s just a feeling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step nine: Be mindfully present. Nothing is forever, except
for right now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Step ten: Be completely yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Congratulations! You’re human. Good luck with that.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-64208441559538911732013-08-28T14:43:00.000-06:002014-04-24T14:24:15.665-06:00At the end of today.<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm in bed, internet surfing, listening to Broken Social Scene, exhausted, glad to be home; so ends my day. It was beyond satisfying to walk away from the house with a completed sod job. The past week, of near daily yard prep work, has given me ample time for retrospection. It was a bit too easy, and too simple, to slip into the thought pattern (as I hacked away at 4 foot tall weeds, with tree-like tenacity) that I was suffering the consequence of choosing you. In my actual moment of choosing you - that choice was actually me, choosing myself, and accepting all the consequences that would follow. Therefore, I fully accept this lawn care, this tearing out and starting over, destroying and rebuilding, release and completion. I accept that my choices have lead me to this day of exhaustion, and several other days of fearful tears, harsh words falling on my ears, and my own centred presence to belay my fears. Your gentle strength has also carried me through. I would be remiss to pretend otherwise. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If to build a house, and let it go, is to be a metaphor for the change I have created in my life, I would say that I have carefully built myself to be something I am not, over several years, and suddenly, I have let that person go, quite quickly. What now, is my home? Who am I, to house myself? Too oft I forget I already know the answer - I am enough for myself, something I was taught against my whole life. This paradigm shift has been quite startling, and quite freeing, to learn. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #222222;">I'm rebuilding, tearing out the murky thoughts that harbour my fears and insecurities. I'm making a clearing, to settle my mind. Mental landscaping, cultivating truth, beauty, and freedom, as I weed out all doubt. I</span><span style="color: #222222;">nner architecture, r</span><span style="color: #222222;">eframing my mind. All that's left is what's real, and what's really me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This. This is a home worth living in. I shall stay here, for the rest of my days. </span></div>
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JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-40868523228178122312013-03-18T00:06:00.001-06:002014-04-24T14:24:25.234-06:00Goodbye to me<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I no longer exist. I used to be me and now I am myself. There is no going back. </span><br />
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Do I miss her, you may ask? Certainly you can miss who you were, but doesn't that imply regret? Do I miss her? My simple answer would be no, but thoughtful answers are rarely simple. I do not miss her powerlessness. I do not miss her helplessness, her overwhelming craving for acceptance and belonging at the expense of contorting herself into a broken bent form in order to fit into her imagined expectations and conditions to be loved by her family and to be worthy of her god's acceptance. I do not miss her trusting naivety, her submission to another's depravity. In an elementary way, I miss her hope for a better performance next time if she could only speak the correct words with perfect cadence in order to convey her overwhelming pure love and drowning sorrow and have it be revelatory to the ears and hearts and minds of those she aimed her careful truths to. But, I also do not miss this (her hopeless hope). It is far better to save the careful words for the ears that will hear, hearts that will heal, and minds that will share. </span><br />
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Perhaps then, I don't miss her. That sounds so unfair to her though. I don't want to be unkind, she had real intent and she did the very best she could, given the circumstances. I feel her only fault was not knowing that she was enough. Even that flaw cannot be her label to own, it was given to her at a very young age. She practiced it diligently; she laid her soul out for scorching while other's looked down, radiating their scorn or shame or fear. It took a long time for her to understand those feelings weren't hers to own, they were burned into her for so long they left scars running deep. It was hard to imagine they were ever not there. For a lifetime she believed they were self-inflicted. How marvellous and terrifying to realize the damage was done by someone else!</span><br />
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This knowledge and understanding was ultimately her undoing. Previously, her only hope for survival was verification from the ones who shunned her. It came as a surprise to learn that their approval was not necessary to nourish her. Once she learned the truth, her existence was futile. She no longer needed to be who she was. </span><br />
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No, I do not miss her, but I am thankful for all that she taught me. Now I am enough for myself. For this I am grateful. </span><br />
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JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16655017.post-29354008142178697852007-11-13T00:00:00.000-07:002014-04-30T14:46:20.433-06:00Identity theft.<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: courier new;">
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My last name. I’ve gone through three and half of them so far. I’m pretty sure I’ve settled permanently on this last one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I was born into my first last name. I had it for such a brief period of time that I cannot honestly remember classifying myself as such. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My mother and biological father divorced when I was very young, around two years old. My mother married into my second last name, but I stole it. Legally, I never had a name change; I was never adopted by my step-father. Instead, I fiercely chose that moniker as means of belonging to my new family structure. My first last name became a thing of revulsion to me. At four years of age I consciously denied my ancestry. It was not so hard. My birth father chose to have little or no contact with me, and I chose to have little or no thought about him. I was so believable in this new identity that I even managed to procure legal documentation stating that it really was my last name - my driver’s license bore record of this untruth. Such are the subtle manipulations of law that exist in small town living. Unfortunately, I grew to detest my second last name as well, for somewhat similar reasons as the first. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My second and a half last name came by means of the Provincial and Federal Government. Whilst applying for student loans I was faced with the dilemma of how to fill in the line that asked for my legal last name. Legally, it was the first, but I had legal documentation of the second. I aimed for sanctuary by adding both, but with a parenthesized explanation of why. When my loan was approved, I was surprised to find that I had been renamed thusly: first last name hyphen second last name. And with that small dash, I had yet another incarnation of myself to add to my repertoire. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So many versions of myself, yet none of them belonged to me. I longed for a name to call my own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am now on my third last name, otherwise known as my last last name. I chose it for two reasons. It identifies me with my husband, as it is his. It also separates me from my past plethora of convoluted surnames. It represents my good choices, my bright future. I am loved, I belong, I am finally me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am Jessy B.</span><span style="font-family: courier new; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
JessyBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11178956910390271566noreply@blogger.com3