Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Breaking up with Barbie.

At eight years old, I had an existential crisis regarding my future ambivalence towards playing with Barbie dolls. I was certain that within the next year or two, I would lose all desire and interest to play with the vapid plastic beauty, and, as such, felt a profound sense of loss at the prospect. At the time, there was immense satisfaction found through investing my time in making certain Barbie’s every outfit suited each imaginary occasion. I mourned my impending decrease in pleasure, despite concurrently reasoning that I would not feel sad when it actually happened. To be sure, I was aware that people tend to stop playing with dolls when they no longer find it fun. Still, my younger self felt a pang of sorrow for my hypothetical future loss.

At thirty-four years old, I had an existential crisis regarding my future breakup with my love. I was certain within the next year or two, he would lose all desire and interest to be with me, and, perhaps, the feeling would be mutual. As such, I felt a profound sense of loss at the prospect. At the time, there was immense satisfaction found through investing my time in the relationship. I mourned my impending decrease in pleasure, despite concurrently reasoning that I would not feel sad when it actually happened. To be sure, I was aware that people tend to break up when they no longer want to be together. Still, my younger self felt a pang of sorrow for my hypothetical future loss.

I am here, physically, but my thoughts are usually far. My mind easily drifts forward, spiralling through possibility. Potential outcomes are carefully considered. Mental plans, drafted and revised, form my map to direct my future state. I experience emotions for what is yet to perhaps not come. Joy or sorrow, contentment or loss – physically I experience a broad range of feelings from imagined events, which may or may not occur. It’s so much worse this way.


It would be preferable to contain my emotional reactions to actual occurrences. As a person of overwhelming sentimentalities, I feel it all, and it’s exhausting. I need to break my forecasting habit. Letting go of what’s to come will better serve me. Feeling only what’s real, that’s where to focus. The future, uncertain, but I’m certain to be fine. I need to be - right here, right now.