Wednesday, August 28, 2013

At the end of today.

I'm in bed, internet surfing, listening to Broken Social Scene, exhausted, glad to be home; so ends my day. It was beyond satisfying to walk away from the house with a completed sod job. The past week, of near daily yard prep work, has given me ample time for retrospection. It was a bit too easy, and too simple, to slip into the thought pattern (as I hacked away at 4 foot tall weeds, with tree-like tenacity) that I was suffering the consequence of choosing you. In my actual moment of choosing you - that choice was actually me, choosing myself, and accepting all the consequences that would follow. Therefore, I fully accept this lawn care, this tearing out and starting over, destroying and rebuilding, release and completion. I accept that my choices have lead me to this day of exhaustion, and several other days of fearful tears, harsh words falling on my ears, and my own centred presence to belay my fears. Your gentle strength has also carried me through. I would be remiss to pretend otherwise. 

If to build a house, and let it go, is to be a metaphor for the change I have created in my life, I would say that I have carefully built myself to be something I am not, over several years, and suddenly, I have let that person go, quite quickly. What now, is my home? Who am I, to house myself? Too oft I forget I already know the answer - I am enough for myself, something I was taught against my whole life. This paradigm shift has been quite startling, and quite freeing, to learn. 

I'm rebuilding, tearing out the murky thoughts that harbour my fears and insecurities. I'm making a clearing, to settle my mind. Mental landscaping, cultivating truth, beauty, and freedom, as I weed out all doubt. Inner architecture, reframing my mind. All that's left is what's real, and what's really me. 

This. This is a home worth living in. I shall stay here, for the rest of my days.