I no longer exist. I used to be me and now I am myself. There is no going back.
Do I miss her, you may ask? Certainly you can miss who you were, but doesn't that imply regret? Do I miss her? My simple answer would be no, but thoughtful answers are rarely simple. I do not miss her powerlessness. I do not miss her helplessness, her overwhelming craving for acceptance and belonging at the expense of contorting herself into a broken bent form in order to fit into her imagined expectations and conditions to be loved by her family and to be worthy of her god's acceptance. I do not miss her trusting naivety, her submission to another's depravity. In an elementary way, I miss her hope for a better performance next time if she could only speak the correct words with perfect cadence in order to convey her overwhelming pure love and drowning sorrow and have it be revelatory to the ears and hearts and minds of those she aimed her careful truths to. But, I also do not miss this (her hopeless hope). It is far better to save the careful words for the ears that will hear, hearts that will heal, and minds that will share.
Perhaps then, I don't miss her. That sounds so unfair to her though. I don't want to be unkind, she had real intent and she did the very best she could, given the circumstances. I feel her only fault was not knowing that she was enough. Even that flaw cannot be her label to own, it was given to her at a very young age. She practiced it diligently; she laid her soul out for scorching while other's looked down, radiating their scorn or shame or fear. It took a long time for her to understand those feelings weren't hers to own, they were burned into her for so long they left scars running deep. It was hard to imagine they were ever not there. For a lifetime she believed they were self-inflicted. How marvellous and terrifying to realize the damage was done by someone else!
This knowledge and understanding was ultimately her undoing. Previously, her only hope for survival was verification from the ones who shunned her. It came as a surprise to learn that their approval was not necessary to nourish her. Once she learned the truth, her existence was futile. She no longer needed to be who she was.
No, I do not miss her, but I am thankful for all that she taught me. Now I am enough for myself. For this I am grateful.
2 comments:
Hey you - your post showed up in my RSS feed reader! Long time no blog! What made you start blogging again?
Such an honest post. I never thought you cared what other people thought. I hope you never felt shunned or scorched by me because I always thought you were so amazing. And brave. Because you didn't try to fit into the mold. And I think "the mold" just creates pressure - pressure to be people we aren't.
How are you doing???
Hello Jamie, I'm great! How's your corner of the city? Thanks for reading and for your lovely feedback. I'm definitely not referring to you in this post :) I've (mostly) never cared what people thought about my style or life choices, but I've always cared about being accepted, loved, and understood, especially by my family.
I'm starting up again because I've gotten through a lot of major life obstacles and heartaches over the last few years that were very overwhelming to me at the time. Now that I'm settled, I'm able to reflect on my experiences in a more coherent manner. It would have been to painful to write before now, too many raw emotions. I'm honest but I'm vague as well. I'm hoping to become more brave and overcome the vague-ness. We'll see.
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