Disturbing contemplations on the (non)existance of love.

This occurred on November 06,2003:


Last night I met a woman who said she didn’t believe in love. “It’s just a word,” she said, “It doesn’t mean anything”. She confessed to me her dismay at the thought of mothers telling their children that they love them and asking them to say it back, as though this expression of emotion were some vile form of brainwashing.

I was at the hospital. As a health care employee, I'm eligible for free flu vaccinations. And, so it was that I entered the Children’s Hospital with the express purpose of being injected. After the simple procedure, the request was made to stay in the vicinity for ten minutes, as a health precaution, in case of adverse reactions. I cracked open my latest book and prepared to settle in. However, I was immediately interrupted by the lady in charge of paperwork for the vaccination.

“What’s that you got there? What’s that novel?”

Startled, I turned the cover towards her so that she could read “Cutting” displayed across the top. I explained that I was interested in learning why people resort to self mutilation. She shook her head in disapproval.

“I always wonder, what makes someone do that kind of thing? Why do these people gotta do that? Cut themselves. If they’re stuck in a bad place, whether there is abuse or not, why would they want to hurt themselves like that? If you’re gonna be stuck, why not use that time to study physics or be a better person and wait it out, don’t go start cutting yourself. It doesn't make any sense.”

I replied my belief that it has a lot to do with deep-seated psychological issues and self-harm is sometimes the only way that the victims can numb their emotional pain.

Unfazed, she continued “That’s just the problem. They waste their time hurting themselves. Why? it’s just a waste. Its like that movie I saw on tv the other night. This kid wants his friend to come and do a drive by shooting with him, and his friend says ‘No, you can be anything, you don’t have to do this’. But the kid goes off anyways, and the next scene the police are there, and you see him being hauled off for good. And I just think to myself...I just want to take him and drown him, ya know? Sometimes I just want to poison the drinking water and kill all the babies. 'Cause it’s just stupid, these people.”

At this point, I was seriously disturbed, considering we were in a children’s hospital and an employee had just shared a flippant remark about mass infanticide. I wondered about her deep-seated psychological issues, this elegant looking, middle-aged woman that dismissed love as a lie. What stories did her chilling remarks hint at? Who was she? Why did she seem so polished on the surface, yet so jagged underneath? I felt compelled to tell her something profound.

“I know that you think love doesn't exist, but I promise you that it does” I proclaimed, standing up. Not the philosophical idiom I was anticipating, but somehow appropriate nonetheless. She looked mildly surprised.

“Well, sometimes I think about humanitarianism, and I think that that can exist” she said.

“I believe in humanitarianism too, but I also believe in love. I love people in general and there are people in my life specifically that I love, and that’s how I know that it exists”. A fleeting expression of perhaps crossed her face. “I know it’s easy to see all the negative in the world, but there are good people too. I just wanted you to tell you that love is real. I promise. Thanks for talking to me.”

With those departing words, I left her with, i suppose, something to hope for. She left me feeling apprehension and fascination, as well as dread and compassion.