At eight years old, I had an existential crisis regarding my
future ambivalence towards playing with Barbie dolls. I was certain that within
the next year or two, I would lose all desire and interest to play with the
vapid plastic beauty, and, as such, felt a profound sense of loss at the
prospect. At the time, there was immense satisfaction found through investing
my time in making certain Barbie’s every outfit suited each imaginary occasion.
I mourned my impending decrease in pleasure, despite concurrently reasoning
that I would not feel sad when it actually happened. To be sure, I was aware
that people tend to stop playing with dolls when they no longer find it fun.
Still, my younger self felt a pang of sorrow for my hypothetical future loss.
At thirty-four years old, I had an existential crisis
regarding my future breakup with my love. I was certain within the next year or
two, he would lose all desire and interest to be with me, and, perhaps, the
feeling would be mutual. As such, I felt a profound sense of loss at the
prospect. At the time, there was immense satisfaction found through investing
my time in the relationship. I mourned my impending decrease in pleasure,
despite concurrently reasoning that I would not feel sad when it actually
happened. To be sure, I was aware that people tend to break up when they no
longer want to be together. Still, my younger self felt a pang of sorrow for my
hypothetical future loss.
I am here, physically, but my thoughts are usually far. My
mind easily drifts forward, spiralling through possibility. Potential outcomes
are carefully considered. Mental plans, drafted and revised, form my map to
direct my future state. I experience emotions for what is yet to perhaps not
come. Joy or sorrow, contentment or loss – physically I experience a broad
range of feelings from imagined events, which may or may not occur. It’s so
much worse this way.
It would be preferable to contain my emotional reactions to
actual occurrences. As a person of overwhelming sentimentalities, I feel it
all, and it’s exhausting. I need to break my forecasting habit. Letting go of
what’s to come will better serve me. Feeling only what’s real, that’s where to
focus. The future, uncertain, but I’m certain to be fine. I need to be - right here, right now.
