Rise & Fall

I sat across from you on this bench a year ago, minus six days. My body could not contain the full system enthralment I experienced in your presence. I was literally vibrating from endorphin overload & could not refrain from grinning like an idiot. What has become of me since then is all that I am. 

Within the small space between us there was a glimpse of who I could become through you. Disarmed by your charm, my mind was freed to expand fully, gather strength of character. This setting allowed me to make confidence gains which before you I never thought I'd attain. 

I trembled in your presence, quivering with awe & lust. Carefully, I placed you on a pedestal—all the better to marvel at your wonder. I saw you from a distance, forced perspective made you all-encompassing. From my viewpoint you were everything. I easily slipped into my usual role of giving myself away entirely. It was hard to keep looking up to you, far easier to bow before you. Thankfully, my servitude did not serve you. You saw my hidden strength & patiently convinced me of my own empowerment. You dropped from elevated grace the day I felt my power rise. It gave me the insight to see you were only human too. It's true you are resplendent, rich in intelligence, majestic, just as am I. Your embrace raised me to my rightful place by your side. You fell for me & it made us equals. 

A Word With You

Let me have a word with you. A gathering of letters formed together imbued with meaning reflective of our being. It can be our song title. I've been in tune with you since the start. You warned me of your worst ways while I let them fall sideways knowing the worst you could inflict on me was better than previous lovers’ regular behaviour. I presented you with the tones of my tears, each saline slide a note playing my heart across my face. You learned not all my songs are sad. You saw the symphony in my eyes. I felt the rising crescendo of your love and a new tune slipped from my vision. You never ask me to compose myself; we write this song together.  

Speechless

I can still feel your hand gripping the back of my neck, pulling me in tight enough to let your teeth make your point.  Your voracious mouth could consume me, entirely. Without words, let your mouth speak your mind when next we meet. I hear you clearly when you silently say the ways you want me. 

Beginning to End

Fifteen years ago on a day like this, sunny & crisp, we ran into each other at the hospital doors. You, exiting. Me, entering. All that has changed since then is only everything. A specific reminiscence is a glimpse into the future. I recall my thoughts, my being of that time. Now I have the power to live that moment knowing what the future holds. We never saw it coming, these people we now are. I could not have even conceived it, and I'm sure neither could you. We're both living the starts of our second lives. They feel like the first; the past was a false reality. How fantastic to be truly awake, no longer sleepwalking through life. Autonomy is precious. 

Wouldn’t you agree that all the loss of a so called solid foundation of truth is worth the complete unknown & nothing we've inherited in our awakening? I cherish the infinite certainty of not knowing the answer to life—the vastness & the nothingness of being, the finite ending of existence. It's such a relief. 

Shadowing

Nocturnal warmth brings forth my feline sensibility & my senses prowl free. 

Heaven sent, the heady scent of May trees make a believer out of me.

Ebony serenity, pray to prey I wander the way the day kisses night. 

IRL

You appeared in real life quite suddenly & very unexpected. Terrified I was not ready for you, for me, for us, I could hardly stand to look you in the eyes, yet could not stop. I gazed your face, seeking recognition, a reason for the feeling that you could be my future if we could only get past all this present without being utterly consumed by the overwhelming, all encompassing igniting of our minds and bodies. We stared into one another, at once enamoured & humoured by the thrilling ridiculousness of this, our first moment together. I could have easily kissed you. Instead we settled for a hug that unsettled us both. Our bodies said hello and goodbye as we each held tight, and then tighter still. Your strong arms made me rise, and I fell for you. I could barely bear to let you go. My arms longed to linger an hour longer.  That was simple folly. An hour spent encompassed in your embrace would not have been nearly enough. I could have lived a lifetime in that doorway, drowning in bliss while you held me up.

Lone Wolf

My next step is to accept I am a lone wolf. Alone wolf. Although I know I'm strong & can capably make my own way, it fills me with an empty sadness. I'm all I've got. No one is guaranteed to me. I have no secure commitments. I'm free to falter and free to love & be loved, but no one owes me anything. I am untamed. I belong to no one; this is my freedom and my trap. 

What of the nights when my only companion is my untamed mind? In my state of melancholy I feel alone, even though I'm not. I want to belong, I want someone to come home to, but the only place left is myself. This is not a comfort. Sometimes I'm not the best company to be alone with. There are no guarantees in life, but the parameters of being in a primary relationship give me comforting structure, even if it's false security. 

Reluctantly I'll agree this next thing is the best for me. 

I love fiercely. It’s my natural inclination. I'm wild about those I hold dear, historically to my detriment. When I give my very all to assuage someone else's unhappiness there is nothing left of me. It's a caged domesticity that drains my ferocious desire to devour all life has to offer. Experience has shown me I need to be just as passionate about myself. Selvage the savage. Autonomy is the key to security. Set me free to feel safe. If I can be my own home, I'll never fear solitude. I am a lone wolf, not alone. 

Outside In

I stood alone in your living room the last day I saw you. It's your space, but I feel comfortable in your home because you've welcomed me into your life. I'm still standing on the edge, looking in, but I love everything I see. 

The Unaccomplished Woman

Do nothing.

Not only nothing, but be unproductive. Even that is too much. Abandon guilt & revel in the now. 

Don't follow a perceived suggestion based on outside impact. Do your own thing, which is no thing. No time to please. Please yourself. Be yourself. Free yourself from spectral speakers crying disproval in your mind. Ignore them. Carry on with tenacious listlessness & list-less-ness. There is no to-do today. Be peacefully reposed in unemployment. Nada, zip, zilch—these are my purpose-free trilogy. Dear Self, please accept this afternoon nap as demonstration of my veneration. 

Stay

I said it the wrong way yesterday. All is impermanent, I said. What a simple platitude. It was a wall, a fence to guard my heart. My feelings are far more nuanced. I cannot possess you, neither can you do likewise to me. Of course, no one knows what the future holds. Life decisions are weighted in the certainty of the unknown-but-hoped-for. I feel balanced by your presence in my life. I would not give up the pleasure of your fucking lovely, ridiculous, handsome company without severe reason. I like you. I lust you. I love you. I'm here, with every reason to stay.